


Feeling Randy

by valeriacatulli



Series: Ridiculust [4]
Category: Saturday Night Live, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Crack, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Interrogation, Redemption, Secret Identity, Sexual Fantasy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:15:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22546897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valeriacatulli/pseuds/valeriacatulli
Summary: Hux has an important mission for Randy the Intern. Randy the Intern upgrades his mission to include more Rey. Nobody has any idea what's going on, but at least the Supreme Leader is going to learn what the word "Randy" really means.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Randy the Intern (Undercover Boss: Starkiller Base)/Rey (Star Wars), Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Ridiculust [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1550944
Comments: 24
Kudos: 71





	1. Kylo Ren Learns Slang

**Author's Note:**

> (Setting is basically if Kylo found the wayfinder at the beginning of TROS and then decided to do Undercover Boss 2 before proceeding to find Exegol.)

Commander Masir Trach stood up from his bank of data terminals at the approach of one of his commanding officers. "General. How may I assist?"

"Please bring up a list of all non-trooper First Order employees serving on the _Steadfast_ who are at the lowest seniority grade. I would like those employees ranked from lowest performance rating to highest."

Disciplinary action time? Trach wondered silently as he ran the requested search. It was the work of a moment, and he transferred the results to Hux' personal datapad. The fiery-haired general, whose hair had been decidedly less pristinely styled since Ren's ascent to Supreme Leader, read over the list feverishly. He wanted to make the most of this unsupervised period, when Ren was off wandering the galaxy on some wild Sith chase. What was he looking for? Exogorths?

"It appears that one Intern has distinguished himself from the pack by his poor performance. Have this "Randy" individual summoned to my office," Hux commanded and strode off. The loss of the Ovissian middleman who had transmitted Hux' first clandestine data shipment to the Resistance was an enormous setback to his plan to undermine Kylo Ren. The general didn't have time to identify more Resistance sympathizers working on remote First Order outposts. Instead, he would have to try a riskier approach: send loyal First Order employees to deliver the messages, but ensure they met their deaths so they couldn't reveal his role in the treason.

If Hux was going to send his own subordinates to their deaths, he preferred to send the least competent, most annoying ones. This Randy fellow had apparently already caused the accidental demise of two pieces of equipment, and may have induced an officer's fatal aneurysm. To top it off, this lowly and incompetent peon's file indicated that he often became distracted from tasks, instead spending his time droning on about how wonderful Kylo Ren was.

He sounded like the perfect candidate for an unwitting suicide mission. And now he was walking into Hux' office.

"General, I was told you needed me?" the slovenly-attired young man asked in a monotone.

"Quite. Come in and shut the door," Hux ordered. "Randy" slammed the door, shaking everything on the walls. Hux cringed, taking deep breaths to calm himself. "Now, Randy," he continued, "I see here that you have been serving as an intern on the _Steadfast_ for less than one standard week cycle, but you have already assembled more performance complaints than any other First Order employee at the lowest seniority level. How would you describe your service here as an intern?"

"The First Order is the galaxy's premier leadership arm, and I'm just really excited to see where Kylo Ren is going to take us next," Kylo a.k.a. Randy intoned. Hux turned vaguely purple. The First Order would be much better off after sacrificing this intern.

"I'm not really interested in the Supreme Leader's doings," Hux snarked. "I hear quite enough from him as it is. I asked about you, and what you have done. According to reports, you have largely accomplished harm to First Order equipment and employees."

Kylo stared at Hux, impressed as so often in his life by the power of the Force. Hux didn't recognize him as an intern, even when said intern behaved in a completely Kylo-typical manner? "That equipment broke on its own. I didn't touch it!" he said, trying to wear an innocent expression.

Hux sighed. "Well, even though you have not yet proven your worth to the First Order, I have decided to entrust you with an important mission," he said, handing Kylo a datastick. "You are to travel to Hoth and deliver this datastick to Resistance operatives who expect to be receiving information from a mole within the First Order. Of course, it doesn't contain that, don't worry -- it will give all their computers a virus. Just tell them to be sure to give the datastick directly to Leia Organa. Then get back in your ship and hightail it back here. Understood?"

Kylo had shuddered involuntarily when Hux mentioned his mother, but as usual the ginger didn't notice a thing. Kylo fought to maintain his composure now that he knew who the mole was: Hux himself! He would deal with him very summarily once his planned intern period was over. For now, just a quick jaunt to Hoth, where perhaps he could kill a few Resistance members or get some news of Rey out of their heads. Then he'd come back to the _Steadfast_ , finish interning, and finally finish Hux.

The instant the intern left the room Hux was busy again. He summoned six of his most loyal special forces TIE pilots. "I have an important mission for you. I believe a mole within the First Order will be meeting the Resistance on Hoth soon. I want you to travel to Hoth and destroy the mole and his shuttle after the meeting. The data he has stolen is false, so I want to let the meeting happen so I can see if the Resistance acts on it. Your job is to make sure that his activities do not continue."

"General, yes sir!" the pilots responded, and left to prepare.

* * *

Poe and Finn waited at the entrance to the hangar for the arrival of their First Order contact. The _Falcon_ was concealed inside the hangar, so from the atmosphere it wouldn't be apparent that anyone was there.

"I wonder if Boolio got out after the TIEs came after us last week," Finn mused. "Seemed like a friendly guy, it'd suck to lose an ally every time we want a piece of news."

"Let's hope the First Order doesn't get wind of the meeting spot this time," Poe said, not answering Finn's question. The Ovissian miner was probably toast. "Embrace said they were sending one of their own employees this time, who would think they were giving us a computer virus."

"Spying and double agents are a crazy game, huh?" Finn replied. "What the hell kind of code name is Embrace, anyway?"

"I think it's Hugs," Poe answered immediately. "Or it's someone who wants us to think it's Hugs, or who thought my name for Hux was hilarious. No matter," he pointed up in the sky, where a small shuttle was growing gradually larger. "It's show time."

The shuttle touched down expertly a few hundred meters away from the hangar. Its door popped open and a dark figure emerged. As he trudged across the snowy plain, hair and toque buffeted by the sharp Hoth winds, Finn and Poe exchanged a glance. "Is he nuts?" Poe asked rhetorically. "Apparently nobody told him to bring a coat?" The tall, bearded human male approaching them wore tan pants that didn't even reach his ankles, a shirt and vest. "Maybe he's from some cold planet and his body is adapted for it," Finn shrugged.

Soon the man entered the hangar and approached them wordlessly.

"You here from Embrace?" Poe asked. The man's eyes narrowed as he looked at the pilot, but he nodded.

"Yeah, I'm Randy the Intern. I was told to give you this and tell you to be sure to give it directly to my--to Leia Organa," he coughed out, shivering slightly.

"Yep, just like always," Finn nodded. "Well, nice doing business with y'all and safe trav--"

Finn's voice was cut off by the screaming sound of several TIE fighters rushing overhead. Their laser blasts strafed the ground, throwing up clouds of snow and suddenly obliterating Randy's shuttle.   
"Oh, shit!" the First Order intern yelled in a surprisingly deep voice. "How am I supposed to get back..."

"Don't worry about it, man," Poe said hurriedly, shivering. "Here, come on our ship. If they learned about your mission they probably won't be too happy to see you, right? Come on, you gotta get off Hoth or you're going to freeze to death. And we better get out of here before they come back the other way and see the entrance to the hangar."

"But...I'm an intern with the galaxy's premier governance organization. I came here because General Hux told me to deliver a message. I must get back to my internship! I can hotwire some old ship lying around here or something. Ok, boomer?" "Randy" was clearly pretty upset.

"Sorry to tell you, man, but there aren't any ships lying around here for you to steal. Darth Vader finished off this Rebel base pretty good from what I can see. Now, let's go, come on," Poe said, pulling on Kylo's arm. They started to walk quickly into the hangar, only for Kylo to drag to a halt when he saw the ship they were leading him to.

"Oh, no no no..." he moaned.

"I know it looks like garbage," Finn said consolingly, "but trust me, the _Falcon_ is pretty fast."

"Fuck my life," muttered Kylo. He'd find some way to rid himself of these clowns once they got into hyperspace...assuming the goddamn _Millennium Falcon_ happened to be functioning well enough to get into hyperspace before it was shot down by whatever nincompoop infighting had sent the TIE fighters to eliminate Hux's messenger to the Resistance.

"First Order interns don't happen to learn piloting, do they?" Poe looked askance at Kylo.

"I'm a great pilot. Trust me," Kylo responded in a monotone. Finn raised his eyebrows at Poe, who shrugged. After their wordless exchange, Finn headed for the gunner's emplacement while Poe commandeered the pilot's seat. Kylo sat in the copilot's chair, flinching at the memories. He began the start-up sequence mindlessly, only noticing ten or fifteen switches in that Poe was looking at him with jaw dropped.

"How the hell do you know what to do in the _Falcon_?" the curly-haired pilot asked, dumbfounded.

"My dad was from Corellia," Kylo responded. "He used to...fix...freighters just like this one. In the factory," he lied badly. "So I know all about them. Now, are you going to pilot us or just stare at me?"

Poe laughed. "Sure thing, First Order Intern Man. I'm going to pilot the fuck out of her."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Kylo muttered under his breath.

The _Falcon_ 's engines powered on and Poe turned her around in the hangar, waiting a few heartbeats before bursting out across the snowy landscape. The TIE fighters were nowhere to be seen, which left both Kylo and Poe confused. Where had they gone? Why just destroy one shuttle and then disappear?

  
"I'm going to cover our traces in case they're cloaked or something," Poe blurted confidently. He began swiftly punching stuff into the controls, then suddenly yanked back on the hyperdrive.

"What the fuck are you doing?" yelled Kylo.

"Lightspeed skipping!" Poe shouted gleefully, as he pulled them out of lightspeed right in the middle of an asteroid field.

"You're gonna get us all killed!" Kylo exclaimed, gripping the edge of the dashboard tightly. He made some rapidfire calculations in his head. Poe Dameron was cocky past the point of all sense -- this Kylo knew from being inside his mind. He was also susceptible to Kylo's mind control. And there were no witnesses. No one to report that Randy the Intern wasn't really Randy the Intern. And another lightspeed skip might result in there being no more Randy the Intern, or Kylo, period. While it would also take out a couple of the Resistance's best and brightest, being vaporized into the core of a planet in the _Millennium Falcon_ wasn't really how Kylo wanted to go. He took a deep breath as Poe continued fucking around with the controls, readying the next skip while dodging asteroids.

"It's time for the intern to pilot. You want to see my skills," he intoned, putting a full dose of Force persuasion behind his words. Poe looked up, startled.

"I just had a great idea!" he exclaimed. "I wanna see your mad skills, man. Do you want to pilot?" Poe hopped up out of the captain's chair, leaving the _Falcon_ juddering aimlessly among the asteroids as Kylo tried to unfold himself from the copilot's chair and into the pilot's seat as fast as possible.

"I do. I do," Kylo said firmly, hoping Poe would continue to be convinced this was a good idea. He took control of the ship masterfully, punching in a series of coordinates and calculations that would actually take them to a known place and time.

Finn's voice came over the headset. "What's going on up there, guys? Felt like we were going to die when you lightspeed skipped again, but looks like we don't have any hostiles on our tail. You know Rey said that was a bad idea."

"All clear, trai--" Kylo quickly cleared his throat, "gunner dude. I set course for Endor since I don't know where your base is. And Rey was absolutely right that lightspeed skipping is a bad idea. She's right about a lot of things, except whether to join Kylo Ren."

The comm shut off and Finn climbed out of the gunner's compartment. Soon he was settling into the chair behind Poe. The _Falcon_ was in hyperspace and Kylo could be a bit more at ease and get rid of these guys. Though, maybe he could figure out a way to get to Rey through them. He turned in his chair to face Finn. "Sorry, I didn't get your names earlier."

"I'm Finn," the traitor answered, "and this is Poe Dameron. I'm amazed he's letting you fly."

"I told Poe my dad used to fix these things," Kylo said quickly. "I know all about them."

"So why are you just an intern in the First Order if you can fly so well?" Poe asked quizzically. Kylo shrugged, so Poe kept talking. "I don't think I caught your name, either."

"Randy," he answered gruffly. Poe's eyes widened with mirth.

"Randy? Seriously?" he laughed. "So, are you, you know? Randy?"

Kylo's brow furrowed. "Um, yes, Randy is my name?" He hoped they weren't seeing through his assumed identity. Finn was looking back and forth between the two men in confusion.

"No, like, randy. Horny. Inflamed with desire," Poe wiggled his eyebrows and stood a bit from his seat, thrusting his hips suggestively. "You look like you don't follow. Is that just slang on Yavin IV?"

"Uh, it's certainly not slang in the First Order," Finn shook his head, though he seemed to be enjoying Poe's little dance.

"Not in the First Order," Kylo confirmed. He tried to rack his brain for any recollection of salacious slang terms from back when he'd been a kid traveling around on this very ship... Suggestive terms weren't exactly popular among the Jedi trainees or serving under Snoke.

"Still haven't answered my question," Poe teased. Kylo wished he'd just murdered this guy when he was torturing him for information a few months back. Or was it a year, now. Whenever it was, the world would have been better off without him.

"No, I am not horny or inflamed with desire. But," he he pointed a finger at Poe, "Kylo Ren is inflamed with desire for Rey to join him."

Poe and Finn exchanged a glance and burst into laughter. "Wow, they really propaganda you guys right up, don't they?" They laughed. "No way that is ever gonna happen."

"Oh, it is," Kylo affirmed. "Kylo Ren had a vision. He told me about it," he nodded sagely.

Poe's look gradually changed from incredulity to hope. "Wait, you--you've spoken privately with Kylo Ren?"

"Oh yeah, he's a great leader. Has an eight pack too," Kylo nodded.

"Too bad about the personality," Poe sniped, "but anyway, if you're that close with the leadership, I think there are a lot of people who are going to be very eager to talk to you. Back at our base." He reached over Kylo and started inputting the coordinates for Ajan Kloss.

"Whoa, whoa," Kylo grumbled. "I don't want to come back to your base. I don't want to talk to your people."

"Not even Rey?" Finn asked, raising an eyebrow. "Then you could tell Kylo Ren you met her. Back when you, you know, find a way back to your people without them exploding you with TIE fighters. If that's where you want to go."

Kylo had zoned out immediately after Finn mentioned Rey. Soon a look of determination glinted in his previously dull, internly eyes. "I'll do it. I'll come back to the Resistance base with you. As long as I get to talk to Rey."

"She's a pretty inspiring girl, isn't she?" Poe grinned toothily. Then he suddenly felt a bit of tightness in his throat, for no reason. Luckily it dissipated quickly. He coughed. "Let's go."

Kylo nodded, unclenching his fist, and punched the controls. The _Millennium Falcon_ was on its way back to base. He could refrain from murdering these guys until after he got Rey off their base. He'd just convince her to come with him, or knock her out, and they'd go back to the _Falcon_ and get out of there. It might be a piece of shit that was dripping in accusatory memories, but he'd wager his life it was faster than anything else the Resistance had.

"So..." Poe said after a few minutes passed in uncomfortable silence. "How does a First Order intern end up knowing about Rey? Besides, you know, your conversations with Kylo Ren." The Resistance leader was pretty interested to find out what amount of information about the opposition was allowed to filter through the ranks.

"Well, we all know about the bounty on her head, that she's the last Jedi and Kylo Ren wants her taken alive. It's pretty generous," Kylo started.

"Whoa, I don't think I like where this is going," Finn interrupted. "We are not going to let you try to abduct the last Jedi so you can get some fancy bounty. Not that she can't defend herself, but..."

"Boy, can she defend herself," Kylo nodded enthusiastically. "You should have seen her killing Snoke's guards to protect Kylo Ren."

"Wait, you saw her killing Snoke's guards? How?? And what do you mean, to protect that bastard?" Finn exclaimed.

Kylo glowered at him. "Uh...security footage. It circulates...secretly. But we've all seen it. And before you go calling Kylo Ren a bastard, you might want to think about how that reflects on your oh so glorious general."

Finn quirked his head in confusion. "Huh what?"

Poe shook his head. "I wouldn't have guessed the whole Order would know. Finn, he means that Kylo Ren is Leia's son. It makes the whole Han stabby thing...even worse, so we don't talk about it."

Kylo felt the Dark rising in him at having to sit through this fucking conversation as if he wasn't there. He supposed he could just drop the Force distortion that was supposed to keep people like Hux and Poe from recognizing him in his Randy disguise, but it didn't seem like a prime moment to do so. He needed these guys to get him onto the Resistance base so he could get access to Rey. Meanwhile Poe had kept talking for some Force-forsaken reason.

"...but yeah, I sometimes wish she hadn't killed Snoke, so that I could go fly an X-wing through that Sith bastard for what he did to Ben Solo and that entire family," Poe finished.

Kylo looked at him with a quizzical expression. Hadn't he tortured this guy? And he was...thinking of him as Snoke's victim? He must have missed something while he was fuming. Resistance people were weird.

"But yeah, I guess the point was we shouldn't call Kylo Ren a bastard?" Finn piped up. "I'll have to come up with some more colorful epithets. Dianogafucker, maybe?" Kylo snarled internally--this was more what he expected from the pilot and the traitor. Just then the comm pinged, interrupting his thoughts.

Poe took the call. " _Falcon_ here."

There was some static from the other side, then Rose's voice came through. "How's the mission?"

"It's had its ups and downs," Poe spoke loudly. "Someone clued in the First Order command again, so our contact lost his shuttle and is coming back to the base with us."

"You sure that's safe?" Rose asked.

"Nothing's ever safe, for us. For this guy, he probably shouldn't go back there since he was delivering intel to the Resistance. He says he knows Kylo Ren, and he's willing to talk about the Order."

"With Rey," Kylo clarified.

"Yeah, he specifically wants to be, ah, debriefed by Rey," Poe confirmed.

"She's out training, I'll see if we can have her on hand when you return," Rose replied. "Glad the run-in with the First Order didn't go any worse."

"I hear ya," Poe ended the call. Rose was right, it was a risk bringing a First Order member to the base. They probably would have to keep him prisoner for the foreseeable future, even if they didn't lay it out to the guy that way. Unless Rey had some special Jedi mind wipe she could do or something. They couldn't risk him returning to the First Order knowing where the Resistance base was. 

* * *

Back on the _Steadfast_ , the TIE pilots filed into Hux' office. The general was perched on a tall stool, fingers steepled in concentration as he stared out the viewport into the vastness of space. "Well?" he queried.

"Following your orders, sir, we allowed the meeting to proceed and then destroyed the First Order traitor's shuttle," reported the leader of the pilots. "We allowed the Resistance vessel to escape since you wish to see if they act on the erroneous intel."

"Very good. Wait," Hux said. "You destroyed the shuttle--did you ascertain that the mole had returned to the shuttle? What happened to him?"

The pilots looked at one another. "We, ah...we have no idea. Visibility conditions on Hoth did not..."

"Visibility conditions on Hoth don't render your infrared cameras incapable of identifying human heat signatures!" Hux shouted in frustration. "So you're telling me that the mole may be dead in the shuttle, hanging out on Hoth, or may even have left with the Resistance?"

"We have no grounds to choose between those options," the pilot responded carefully, "but if the mole remained on Hoth, he is most certainly dead. Archives indicate the hangar door there no longer functions after Vader's expedition. Humans can't survive Hoth night."

Hux consoled himself with this, and then realized something even cheerier: if the First Order's most annoying and incompetent intern had, in fact, left with the Resistance, he might be destroying their exiguous equipment right now. "Dismissed," he waved off the pilots, contemplating the delightful thought of shabbily-dressed Randy the Intern causing Leia Organa to have an aneurysm and die.


	2. Investigating Kylo Ren

The _Millennium Falcon_ touched down in a jungle clearing not far from the Resistance base. Finn got up from his seat. "You guys sit tight," he said. "Not sure if everyone's expecting us to show up with a First Order member, so I'll just check in with Rose and get the all clear." Poe and Randy nodded their understanding.

Finn hurried down the ramp of the _Falcon_ and was met by Rose and Kaydel. "I'll get the intel to Leia, Finn," Rose said, taking the datastick from him. "We're so glad you made it back safely. And the _Falcon_ 's not even on fire this time. Poe lay off his tricks?"

"That's not even the half of how crazy this is, Rose," Finn shook his head. "Poe somehow got it in his head to let the First Order guy fly the _Falcon_. Said his dad was from Corellia and knew a lot about their freighters. Well, turns out he's a natural. He's pretty fucking weird, but we could always use more pilots, right?"

Rose nodded. "Let's hope having Rey do the deposition works out well. Much better to end up with a new recruit than a prisoner."

"Yeah," Finn agreed. "Rey can be pretty persuasive when she's in the right mood. How's her training going?"

Rose pursed her lips a bit. "Okay I guess? She seemed excited about something she found in the Jedi texts. And I think her last session of physical training went well without any interruptions."

"That's a good sign," shrugged Finn. "Kaydel, are you here to help us get Mr. First Order Intern to the interview room?"

"Yes. The leadership is pretty unanimous that he needs to be kept far from Leia in case this is some kind of an infiltration or assassination attempt. And if we are sending in Rey to interview him we need to start with the guy in restraints. She can remove them once she assesses the state of things, obviously, we just want the situation under control when we send in our most valuable asset."

Finn nodded. "Dude is probably not going to be thrilled about being put in restraints, but it is what it is."

Kaydel smiled. "Don't we all know it. Come on." The two of them climbed back up into the belly of the _Falcon_ while Rose hurried off to find Leia.

* * *

Aboard the _Steadfast_ , Commander Trach massaged his temples wearily. This was a very large headache, both literally and figuratively. On General Hux's orders, he had entered Randy the Intern's personnel file to mark him as missing and presumed dead, with a file note indicating the man was possibly a Resistance mole. It was only then that Trach had read the detail level notes on the intern's many performance complaints. "Colleague, known to have spoken positively about traitor Luke Skywalker, mysteriously dead from lightsaber wound." "Everyone thinks Randy is Kylo Ren in disguise."

What in the galaxy were his superiors playing at? Why would the Supreme Leader disguise himself as an intern? If the Supreme Leader was in disguise as an intern, did General Hux know that when he sent him on a mission? Why did Ren agree to go on the mission -- were he and Hux working together or at cross purposes? How did the messenger end up presumed dead, and how did Hux learn of it? If the intern was really the Supreme Leader, did that mean the Supreme Leader was now dead, or was he with the Resistance? What would Pryde think of all this?

There was only one thing Trach could think of to improve the situation and lessen confusion. He could make sure that General Hux was aware that the man he had sent to meet the Resistance might be the Supreme Leader. He picked up his datapad and marched wearily to Hux's office.

"Enter," came the clipped command. Hux was barricaded behind his enormous desk, piled with datapads and records from a score of systems. "What is it, Commander?"

"General, Sir, when I updated Randy the Intern's personnel file per your orders, I uncovered some unusual information about him that I wanted to be sure you were aware of."

"Spit it out."

"Indications are that Randy the Intern's coworkers thought that he was the Supreme Leader in disguise." Commander Trach was looking Hux directly in the face as he spoke, so he saw the moment Hux blanched ashy white. It looked like the gears were clicking over in his head. Trach supposed he had the answer to more than one of his questions: If Randy was the Supreme Leader, Hux didn't know and wasn't plotting something with him. "It seems like a preposterous account," Trach went on, "but I wanted to be sure you were apprised."

"Thank you, Commander," Hux choked out. "I will be sure to get to the bottom of this and ascertain exactly where the Supreme Leader really is. Please call up the recent travel records for Ren's shuttle. I believe Mitaka and the usual pilots are with him. And comm the Knights to report in to me. Not to Ren."

* * *

Kylo couldn't remember the last time he descended the ramp of the _Falcon_ onto a planet. It must have been at the Jedi Academy -- on Yavin IV, where his assumed name apparently meant "popping a boner." Thanks, Poe Dameron. He shook his head and squinted at the bright sunlight that filtered through the majestic tree canopy. The Resistance had picked a nice place for their base. He breathed in the warm air, noting the unfamiliar scents of leaves and flowers that almost overcame the exhaust fumes from the _Falcon_. Sounds of people chatting and working intermingled with the hoots of arboreal creatures.

Kylo wished he could appreciate the biome also with his most important sense--the Force. But it would be too dangerous to unleash his Force sensitivity when on the same planet with both Rey and his mother. He needed to get into a room with Rey, first. Unfortunately, just thinking about her made him, well, randy. And without his usual heavy armored layers, that could present a bit of an obvious problem. _Hey, Resistance folks! I'm your friendly neighborhood priapic First Order intern!_

Kylo noticed that Finn, Poe, and a blonde woman whose hairstyle was a poor imitation of a traditional Alderaanian 'do -- must have some sort of hero worship thing going on with his mom -- had fallen into formation around him. The woman was leading the way while his two companions from Hoth flanked him on either side. They were moving towards some sort of building. Clearly, his arrival attracted some amount of attention -- he could feel lots of eyes on him -- but whether by orders or inclination, no one approached them.

Finn and the blonde woman were guiding him into a low building, down a series of hallways to a sturdy blast door. Within was a spartan setup that would suit equally well as a classroom, barracks, or medical office. The furniture however betrayed that it was kitted out for interrogating prisoners.

"I'm here to talk to Rey about Kylo Ren, right? Not to get interrogated. I didn't ask to get interrogated, don't shoot the messenger. Ok, boomer?" Kylo babbled nonsensically, trying to be true to his role.

"Yeah, yeah, I feel you man. Rey is coming. The admirals insisted that you be in restraints when she enters the room, because we think you are a helpful intern messenger pilot guy, but we can't know for sure that you aren't an assassin who means harm to our dear Rey. Understand?" Finn gestured to the large inclined chair in the center of the room.

Kylo snarled behind his beard and took a few deep breaths, clenching and unclenching his fists. Somewhere down the hall someone must have dropped a teacup, because Finn heard muted smashing. But Kylo seemed to accept the situation, because he composed himself and sat in the chair, holding his wrists out for Finn to fasten down. The ex-stormtrooper clicked the arm restraints into place and left the room, wishing him well.

The door shut and Kylo was alone. Well, except for the security cameras. He yearned to reach out and explode each one with his mind, but he couldn't forget about his mom. She'd know the feeling of him intentionally destroying shit in the Force anywhere. The teacup down the hall had been a little unplanned tremor.

* * *

Hux looked down at the small holo of whichever Knight of Ren this was. It was the one who wore trousers and a bandolier full of thermal detonators. “Take off your mask. I know you’re not a Mandalorian.”

He was answered by a beat of silence. “Apologies, General Hux, but I can’t do that without the Supreme Leader’s okay. Why don’t you just tell me why you commed us? How can we assist the First Order?”

Hux had only had a few minutes to ponder the possible implications of Randy being the Supreme Leader, so he was definitely winging it compared to his usual well-prepared mode. “The Supreme Leader may be missing. I require your assistance to locate him and ensure that he is safe.”

“May be missing?” Hux could hear a pinch of incredulity even through the voice distorting stupid mask. “What’s that supposed to mean? If he doesn’t want to be found, he probably has his reasons. And they’re probably very good reasons.”

“We have conflicting reports that he is either visiting the Sea of Cantonica with Mitaka and his usual pilots, or he has been kidnapped by the Resistance and taken back to their base, location unknown. Mitaka and the pilots are not responding to comms.”

“So what do you want us to do about it?” the Knight groused. Taking orders from Hux was decidedly not part of their job description, but protecting Kylo Ren was. On the extremely slim chance that he had been abducted by hostile forces, leaving him alone would be severely punished. “Presumably, checking Cantonica is easier than figuring out where the Resistance base is so we can check there.”

“Your logic is sound,” Hux allowed. “Travel to Cantonica. Split up and find out if Kylo Ren is there. Report what you find.”

“What do you mean, split up?” asked the Knight.

“Divide the area into sectors and search it individually or in pairs?” Hux answered, mystified. 

“Not going to happen. We Knights always stick together.”

That’s completely stupid, Hux thought, barely restraining himself from gaping. Instead, he asked, “Using your method of sticking together, how many Jedi have you successfully found and destroyed?”

The Knight’s hologram stared at him stonily. “We don’t question our Master’s methods. You would be wise to do likewise.” Then the feed cut off. Hux groaned. Maybe comming Mitaka directly would be more effective, though he knew Mitaka also had an inexplicable devotion to the Ren.

* * *

Kaydel led Rey to the end of a long hallway. "Thank you so much for interrupting your training to interview this First Order member," Kaydel said. "I know it's a little unorthodox, but he claims that he's spoken with Kylo Ren. He was pretty adamant that he'd only talk about it with you. We're hoping you can get some unique information from him."

 _You know who else speaks with Kylo Ren?_ Rey thought to herself. Aloud she said, "I'll do what I can. Are we recruiting this fellow or treating him as an enemy prisoner? Like, if he doesn't provide the information we need, should I try to look in his mind with the Force? Am I supposed to hurt him?"

"Stars, no, Rey. If you can pick up on his thoughts with the Force non-invasively, so much the better, but treat him as a recruit. After Leia's experiences with Darth Vader, she would never ask you or any other Force user to harm people for intel."

"Thanks for clarifying, Kaydel. Anything else I should know?"

Kaydel reminded Rey of how to call for backup and what to do when the interview was over, as well as how to adjust the interrogation chair and remove the restraints. "Oh, and his name's Randy."

"Great! Wish me luck!" Rey punched in the code to enter the room. She was halfway through the opening blast door when she saw, really saw, who was clasped to the chair. Her eyes widened in surprise and she sucked in a sudden breath, but Kaydel didn't notice. She was already hurrying back to Poe to monitor the video feed of the interrogation together. The door slid shut behind Rey.

“Hello, Randy,” Rey said, her emotions swirling as she looked at the man in the chair. She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned casually on the doorframe as she perused him. The man seemed almost too big for the interrogation chair, even without his trademark imposing armor. He’d replaced it with decidedly goofy clothing and a little hat, and done something awful to his hair. And even Rey could tell that white shoes were not a good look. (Excepting in one or two of Princess Leia’s ensembles from her youth which Rey had seen in historical holos.) What in the galaxy was Kylo thinking, putting on this getup and diving straight into the maw of the enemy?

Rey reached out in the Force, emitting an electrical pulse that would disable the audio receivers that were recording the session. Somehow, Kylo Ren had gotten onto the base unrecognized by Poe, so apparently she was the only one who could immediately recognize him by sight, but chances were their conversation would quickly raise alarms with anyone listening.

“I’m assuming this isn’t the bond,” she said, “ _Randy._ Though you look more like a Ben to me." Her prisoner looked at her impassively, radiating displeasure about his arm restraints.

"Don't call me that. You shouldn't, not after how you left me on the _Supremacy_ ," he said bitterly, not meeting her eyes.

Rey began slowly crossing the room towards him. "Ben, Kylo, Randy--I'll call you whatever you want because," and here a smile broke across her features, "you came back for me! You came all the way to the Resistance, for me!"

Kylo demurred. "It wasn't exactly...I mean, there weren't many options, on Hoth without transport..."

"Stop trying to fool yourself," Rey chided him. "Literally everyone who was on Crait noticed how you feel about the _Millennium Falcon_. But you rode in it, with two of my best friends--" he was actively snarling now "--without murdering them, or harming them in any way, all the way here. For me. I didn't think you actually cared."

Kylo's eyes shot wide open. "You what? I offered you my heart on a platter and the fucking galaxy to rule by my side, as my Empress, and you didn't think I cared?"

"You what?" Rey was equally incredulous. "Empress? I'm a scavenger from Jakku whose parents, you kindly informed me, were trash and nothing from nowhere. It was a stretch thinking I could cut it as a Jedi, and Jedi are socially incompetent hermits as far as I can tell. Empress has a bit different standard!"

Kylo shrugged. "Everyone thinks I'm a socially incompetent psychopath, and I'm the Supreme Leader. But as much as I'm enjoying rehashing our history, I'd appreciate it if you'd let me out of these cuffs. I'd rather not alert my mother to my presence by using the Force right now."

"Well, to let you out of the cuffs I was supposed to ascertain that the situation was under control." At this point Rey was standing right next to the interrogation chair. "Is it?" she asked, idly tracing her fingers over Kylo's shirt. She dragged her index finger from his sternum to his clavicle before tentatively stroking his beard.

"Uhhh..." was about all Kylo could manage once Rey began touching him. He was starting to feel worthy of his assumed name.

"It's okay," Rey said soothingly. "You're my guest." She smiled, showing all her teeth. Something dangerous sparkled in her eyes.

Kylo felt his stomach fall in a roiling mixture of shame (for how he had treated her on Starkiller) and arousal. “I am. You can take whatever you want,” he answered. I hope it’s what I want, too, he thought to himself, struggling against the wrist restraints.

Rey sighed, then tilted her head to one side. "Big picture what I want is to get you out of this room without you, or any of my friends, getting murdered. You didn't happen to come here because you wanted to join the Resistance, did you?"

Kylo had never lied to his bondmate, so he shook his head no. "Just for you." He wriggled a bit in frustration at being unable to touch her. The chair rattled under him.

"Well then, I'll need some time to think up a plan," Rey said. "I still don't want to go back to the First Order, either." She saw Kylo was about to try to say something, so she put her hand over his mouth. He licked her palm. She blushed at the feel of his hot, wet tongue.

"Or maybe...you must have had a plan, coming here. Right? Wait, don't tell me. I need to practice," she said cheerily as he looked up at her disconcertedly. She shoved him a bit to the side so that she could perch her bum on the interrogation chair next to him, then leaned on his chest with her left arm while reaching her right hand up to caress the left side of his head. She closed her eyes in concentration, reaching into his mind.

It felt almost like being tickled, when she penetrated his thoughts like this. She was such a benign presence, their Force signatures already wrapping and weaving with one another, that having her a bit more, as a visitor in a part of his head that usually only belonged to him, didn't hurt at all. A pleasant change from Snoke's intrusions.

He let her take what she wanted, let her see his intentions, what he had imagined. She saw how he had fantasized…

> _…About running through the base, saber blazing, slicing through his foes until she came to face him. How their sabers would have sizzled together until she had him on the ground, and he would distract her with a well-timed compliment before kissing her soundly, and they would run off together to steal the Falcon._
> 
> _…Or they would be fighting, and he’d slice through her garments, his lightsaber not even touching her skin because he had such finesse with it, and she would retaliate with her own saber. They would dance a deadly duel, ripping one another’s clothing to shreds, until they faced each other sweaty and panting in their undergarments. How she would disarm him and drop her weapon and then drop to her knees to take his erection out of his underwear, stroking it and licking the tip experimentally._

She screeched as she found that one. Kylo wasn’t sure if she was offended, impressed by his mental image of his cock (life size!), or if out there in the world beyond his closed eyes and her mental interrogation something else was happening.

Oh, shit. Something else was happening. In his pants. Hopefully he wasn’t poking her where she sat scrunched up next to him, leaning over him with her hand caressing his temple. She kept going.

> _…Now his fantasies moved forward to them zooming off in the Falcon. She was in the pilot’s seat and he was hurling X-Wings out of the sky with a flick of his wrist. She didn’t care that he was decimating the Resistance because his other hand was shoved down her trousers, fingering her frantically to orgasm after orgasm while she made the jump to hyperspace. He liked to imagine what she would taste like when he brought his hand out of her pants and sucked the dripping fluids off his fingers._
> 
> _…Or how they would take their time getting back to his dreadnought because she would jump him and need to be thoroughly fucked on every surface of the Falcon, including the dejarik table and up against the curving wall of the hallway, which would be awkward because of his height, but he would use the Force to make her come again and again anyway._

Rey’s breathing was increasing in speed and intensity. Was he making her angry, showing her all these sordid visions in his mind? He rather hoped so. It would just feed her delicious darkness. If she saw that he wanted her to get angry so she'd veer toward the dark side, that would just make her even angrier! It was a delightfully self-fulfilling cycle. “Asshat,” she muttered, but she didn’t stop her beautiful, spine-tingling assault on his mind.

> _…Next she found the one where he had her cuffed to his bed on the_ Steadfast _, waited on hand and foot with delicacies amid rumpled black satin sheets, passionately rutting together for several day cycles. Kylo was a realist, so this fantasy included Hux interrupting them, coup in his heart, only for Rey to murder the general with the Force while still cuffed to the bed, Kylo eagerly tonguing her hot, wet core._

At that, Rey leapt out of his mind like her bare hand had just touched a piece of scrap metal that had been lying in the hot Jakku sun all day. She felt herself panting slightly, and as she drew back from “Randy,” she could see that he was utterly wrecked, too. His pupils were blown wide and he was staring at her, chest rising and falling rapidly.

“Did I hurt you?” she asked, moving closer again.

“Fuck no,” Kylo replied, his voice gravelly. “That felt…rather amazing. It’s like you’re meant to be in my mind, all of it.”

“Well, some of that seemed…pretty private,” Rey couldn’t meet his eyes, but she kept inching toward the chair. “And none of it, unfortunately, offered a useful plan on how to get out of here.”

Kylo looked at her longingly, and she could see he was on his best behavior.

“Ok,” she nodded at the cuffs and they sprung open. Kylo caressed his wrists, massaging the circulation back into his arms.

“Come here, Rey,” he patted the spot where she had perched near him. It was still warm. She sat, resting a hand on his thigh as she looked up into his molten brown eyes. He gulped at her touch, adam’s apple bobbing up and down.

“I’m…I miss you, Rey. I miss talking through our bond,” Kylo said softly. “I can’t sleep for thinking about how you hate me and will never be with me. I’m in this stupid intern costume because it was part of my plans to change the First Order for the better, and every step of the way I’m just thinking about how much better it would work if you were involved.” He sighed. Not that she would believe him, but simply being in her presence was like a psychotropic truth serum. He suddenly felt compelled to blurt out truths he didn’t even know existed before.

“A good first step would be not to undertake any of those plans I saw in your head for striking down all of my friends with your lightsaber and the Force,” Rey said grumpily, not sure what to make of his sudden softness.

“What about—” he barely dared to continue, “—what about the other things you saw in my head?” He covered her hand on his thigh with his own, much larger hand, picking hers up to bring to his mouth. He kissed each fingertip lightly, trying to meet her eyes. Finally she looked up, her face burning. A tiny, tiny nod was her only reply.

His own smile in return was like a revelation. Like an ice planet bursting asunder. He had a toothy grin and a dimple, for Force’s sake. Rey couldn’t see anything else in the room for looking at his smile. She forgot where they were and climbed up eagerly into his lap, straddling him in the interrogation chair. She took his head in both hands, kissing him soundly and melding her hips firmly to his.

* * *

Poe was wedged into a cabinet in the security monitoring room, trying yet again to get any response out of the audio system monitoring the interrogation room. No luck. He wondered if it was something weird to do with Rey’s force use, and wished yet again that Rey could be in more than one place at once. She would be able to fix this if anyone could. So would Rose, but he felt it wasn’t fair to interrupt her lunch with Finn. It would look like he was clingy.

“Poe, Poe! Get out of there, you have got to see this!” Kaydel squealed. She was monitoring the video feed while he was trying to get the audio back online.

“Whoa,” was all the pilot could say when he saw the holo feed. Apparently the reason Rey had never seemed to date anyone on the base wasn’t that she followed the celibacy part of the old Jedi code. Maybe she just had a type—tall, dark, and weird as fuck.

Right now she was straddling Randy the First Order Intern as he reclined in the interrogation chair. Clearly she thought the situation was “under control,” because his hands were free from the wrist restraints. One hand clasped her back, bringing her firmly to him while they kissed passionately. The other hand seemed to be fumbling its way into her wraps.

“I know, right?” Kaydel grinned. “I feel awful, like I’m invading her privacy, but Rey knows there’s cameras in there! This isn’t some weird Jedi interrogation technique, is it?”

“Privacy shmivacy. I am not stopping watching this, it is kinda hot to be honest. And hey,” Poe added, smiling as he reached into a drawer to pull out some crunchy snacks, “at least we know he wasn’t lying about his name. Dude really is randy.”

He dodged a slap from a giggling Kaydel just as General Leia Organa opened the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Duh duh duh...


	3. The Enemy of My Enemy Is My Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and "Randy" figure out how they should have used the interrogation chair the first time around, Leia Organa needs eyebleach, and everyone decides that Kylo Ren had better finish what Darth Vader started: namely, killing Palpatine.

Leia entered her master code and the blast door slid open, revealing a scene that was either highly irregular or highly predictable, or both. Poe Dameron and Kaydel Ko Connix, who were supposed to be monitoring Rey's sensitive deposition of a First Order member with reputed first-hand access to the Supreme Leader, were giggling and nudging one another behind a bay of holoscreens and monitors. Leia stepped into the room, but before her subordinates could even salute her entrance, she was stopped in her tracks by a loud stream of Shyriiwook from the corridor behind her. 

Leia turned on her heel and put her hands on her hips. Chewie lumbered up the hallway, gesticulating wildly.

"What's that?" Leia asked him in confusion, stepping back outside the blast door. It slid shut behind her. "You need to talk to me--right this minute--about a _smell_ on the _Falcon_?"

Chewie nodded his head vigorously, making one of those moans she'd never quite figured out the exact meaning of. Her Shyriiwook had needed to get better since Han passed and Chewie came back into the life of the Resistance, but it'd never be perfect. 

"Is there a reason why you can't tell me about the smell here? Or if it's something you're pissed at Poe about, we could go right in there and talk to him about it," Leia indicated the door behind her.

_You need to smell for yourself_ , Chewie responded. _And I don't want to discuss it in front of everybody else._

Leia rolled her eyes, but turned her steps toward the _Falcon_. She wished she didn't need this damn cane, but for having floated in open space she guessed she was doing pretty well. When they got to Han's old ship, Chewie led her into the cockpit and gestured to the pilot's seat.

_Do you smell him?_ Chewie asked. 

Leia looked at Chewie like he had grown another head. "Smell whom? The _Falcon_ has a unique stench, I'll give you that. But I think you're overestimating human olfactory abilities."

_I thought all mothers recognized the scent of their own cubs_ , Chewie said accusingly. Leia choked. 

"My son?? Why the hell would the _Falcon_ smell like my son?" she demanded, eyes wide open.

Chewie shrugged. _I certainly don't know why. But I'm sure that it does._

Leia narrowed her eyes in thought. "Is the smell only in this room? Or anywhere else? Could he have concealed himself in a smuggling compartment while our men were picking up the supposed First Order informant?" Leia had always excelled at imagining contingencies and worst-case scenarios. Her son concocting a plot to sneak onto the base and murder the entire Resistance would not be the worst thing she had imagined.

Chewie shook his head. _Only here. Pretty strong in the pilot chair, weaker in the co-pilot seat. Also smells like Poe in both seats, Finn in the co-pilot seat. Smuggling compartments haven't had anyone but porgs in them for a while_.

Leia tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Thanks for bringing this to my attention, Chewie. Let me know if you sense him on the base anywhere, will you? Maybe this is some kind of phantom echo of the past? Anyway, I need to check in with Poe and Kaydel. I was on my way to them when you caught me."

Chewie roared his understanding and picked up his tool kit as Leia disappeared down the ramp.

* * *

Kylo looked up at Rey with fascination as she tugged at the wrappings that covered her torso. He'd gotten pretty tangled up trying to navigate them. Watching her solve the puzzle was like his erotic fantasies had come to life. She ripped the gauze from her shoulders hastily, leaving it hanging in loops at her sides. The breast band was next to go, landing on the floor next to the interrogation chair. 

Kylo couldn't keep his hands off her any longer. He cupped her mounds in his hands, reveling in her warmth and softness. 

"I'm not that soft," she started to argue, but stopped with a gasp as he dragged calloused thumbs over her dark pink nipples. He licked one thumb and used it to continue playing with a perky button while he brought his mouth to the other breast and licked tenderly with his tongue. 

Rey's hips jerked against him in delight and he felt himself growing even harder under her. He nibbled gently at the nipple with his teeth, before brushing the bristles of his little beard against it. She gasped again but seized him by the head to relocate his supple lips over her areola.

Something seemed to bother Rey as she grabbed his hair, and it quickly dawned on Kylo that she was confused by the rough texture of his wig. As much as he might have imagined otherwise, Rey had never run her slender, powerful fingers through his mane or massaged his scalp. Right now she was getting a fistful of netting or dyed orbak fur or something. He mumbled against her breast, then moved his hands away from their important tasks fondling her breast and grinding her butt down on top of him. He pulled firmly and the wig and beanie came right off, revealing his true black hair that was only a little flattened down. 

Rey squealed, smiling, and ran her hands through it eagerly. Each scrape of fingers over his scalp sent an electrical shiver down his spine. Being in contact with Rey was effervescent. It was addictive. It was inexplicably good. He smiled back and ducked down to nibble at her other breast while he began fumbling for the fastenings of her trousers.

* * *

The Supreme Leader's shuttle was parked at a secluded beach on the Sea of Cantonica when the Knights eventually located it. In front of the shuttle, Mitaka lay asleep on one of the Supreme Leader's spare capes, his uniform jacket unbuttoned and open to the waist. A holopad and a small empty whiskey flask lay next to the cape. The Knights looked at one another before nodding at Albiccu Ren, who poked the lieutenant with his poleaxe. 

Mitaka leapt up in alarm. "Sirs, Knights, how may I assist?" he stammered, standing at attention and clearly uncomfortable about the tiny strip of sunburned skin that was visible through his jacket.

"Where is our master? And the rest of the shuttle staff?" demanded a Ren. Mitaka could never tell them apart.

"The pilots have the day off at the casino, Supreme Leader's orders. He is meditating and not to be disturbed," Mitaka gulped.

"If I were a gambling man, which I'm not," Albiccu growled, "I'd say the chances that you would be in such a state of disorder--drunk, half-dressed--with the Supreme Leader just twenty meters away meditating are about a million to one."

Mitaka started to tremble. "I'm sorry, sir. You're correct, sir. The Supreme Leader told me to say he was meditating, sir."

"Why should I believe you, idiot? How do I know you haven't betrayed the Supreme Leader to the Resistance?" demanded another Knight of Ren.

"Sir, do you think it's possible for someone like me to betray the Supreme Leader to the Resistance?" Mitaka asked incredulously. "He always knows what I'm thinking. If any of you has the same skill at mind reading, you're welcome to check that I'm telling the truth. The Supreme Leader told me he was going undercover to assess the loyalties of rank-and-file Order members prior to instituting some changes. He didn't want Hux and Pryde to know where he was, so he told them he was searching for Exegol, whatever that is, and he told me to take his shuttle and usual pilots and visit whatever planets we liked for ten days."

The Knights looked at one another. It did sound Kylo-typical. "Do you know what his undercover disguise was? Then we can check if he's safe."

Mitaka nodded. "Sirs, he was undercover on the _Steadfast_ as Randy the Intern. With permission?" Mitaka grabbed his holopad and keyed in a few parameters. Randy's personnel file popped up. Mitaka scrolled through the numerous negative performance reviews, shaking his head. Kylo Ren had clearly not learned much about the concept of "undercover" from his earlier venture as Matt. When he reached the end of the file, he looked up in shock. "The file claims both that Randy is presumed dead and that he is suspected of being a mole for the Resistance. Do you know anything about this?"

"Presumed dead?" Albiccu spat out. "Not bloody likely. He's impossible to kill. I'm going to guess that he's neither dead nor a mole, but that Hux or Pryde is trying to cover his bases before they stage a coup. Or both of them, the womp rat bastards."

The other Knights nodded agreement. "I know whose side I'm on, and it's not Hux or Pryde's. Our mission to find the Supreme Leader for them is over, from my vantage," one said.

"Hear hear," another Knight added. "Finding him for ourselves though? I'm not sure. If he's in trouble from those generals, we should try. If he's doing some crazy plan of his own, we don't want to get in the way."

"I guess we're all on the run from Hux, then?" Mitaka chuckled nervously. "Let's try to reach the Supreme Leader over all the most esoteric channels we have, and keep looking. Then we can decide whether to intervene to aid him, once we know where he is."

"Hux's other theory was that he was captured by the Resistance," Albiccu mentioned. "Not that we know where they are."

"The Supreme Leader had some good guesses. I have his list of top five potential locations programmed into the shuttle. Shall we go investigate when the pilots return?" Mitaka asked, ever professional even if his chest was still hanging out.

The Knights nodded. "Got any more of that whiskey while we wait?"

* * *

The second time around, Leia actually got to enter the room. "Let's see what's so amusing, shall we?" she smirked at Poe and Kaydel.

Kaydel coughed, having the grace to look embarrassed. "In our defense, General, Rey knows there are cameras in there."

Leia's eyebrows raised. "Am I going to regret seeing this?" She walked slowly around the bank of monitors to stand by Poe. 

The scene on the monitors -- filmed from several different angles by the various security recorders in the room -- caused Leia to immediately reevaluate her impression of her young Jedi apprentice. Rey was impulsive, yes, but this was a new level. The slender Jakkuvian was completely topless (unless one counted armwraps) and had one leg in, one leg out of her signature leggings. Her hair had fallen or been pulled down from its usual style, and fell around her face, shielding the face of the large man she was passionately kissing from view. 

Rey's hips gyrated in a pattern that was as familiar as breathing, and the fact that the prisoner's trousers and black briefs were haphazardly pushed down around his thighs left little room to imagine that they were doing anything other than fucking.

"I swear we didn't suggest seduction as an interrogation method, General," Poe stammered out between giggles. "We were a bit surprised when the clothes started coming off."

"I see you turned the sound off?" Leia asked, smiling. "Was the moaning just too much?"

"Actually it's been malfunctioning since Rey got in there," Poe answered. Leia's brow furrowed. Hmmm.

"So have we learned anything from this interview at all except that Rey likes to be on top?" Leia continued.

"It's much easier to be on top, in a chair," Kaydel pointed out.

Poe looked at her askance. "If you want to try some new moves for chairs, I'm happy to show you sometime. You shouldn't have to ride unless you want to."

"Ok then," Kaydel blushed, while Leia said "Or there's always the table." Both younger people looked at her with matching grimaces. 

"Anyway," Poe cleared his throat, "the one thing we've learned is that Randy was wearing a wig. It's that thing on the floor there with Rey's breastband." He pointed.

"Interesting," Leia hummed, leaning closer to the holofeed. Something seemed to be happening, because Rey was bouncing faster and faster. She threw her head back, which revealed her partner's face to the cameras. His mouth was twisted in sweet agony as he helped slam the Jedi down onto his cock again and again. 

Even with the ratty beard, Leia would know that face anywhere. "Hmm," she mused. "I've never heard of seducing them to the Light Side before." She smiled. The lovers seemed to have reached their climax, because Rey abruptly ceased moving, and it looked like "Randy" was probably bellowing. "His "O" face is just like his father's, not like I ever wanted to know that," Leia muttered.

Kaydel and Poe exchanged glances. What the hell was the General talking about? Why would she know intimate details about the father of a First Order intern? And here they all thought _Han_ was the one who got around.

"So, General?" Poe prodded gently. "If you know his dad, does that mean you know who this guy is? Do you think he'll join us? Hell of a pilot."

Leia gave a jaded laugh and shook her head. "Fucked if I know. You keep watching for anything that would make you think Rey is unsafe, you hear? I just need to go talk with Chewie for a moment. About the smell on his ship."

Kaydel frowned at the departing back of her leader. Had the indomitable Leia Organa finally cracked?

* * *

Wherever Maz went, it was like her cantina traveled with her. Leia and Chewie sat on overturned crates by a table in a corner of the cavern that hosted Resistance headquarters on Ajan Kloss. Leia raised a glass of Corellian whiskey.

"To losing bets," she said, raising the glass. Chewie clinked his (larger) tumbler with hers, then downed it. 

_I didn't bet_ , he growled.

"Still, you were right," Leia acknowledged. "That hasn't happened since, what--since you said Jabba wouldn't be fooled by me disguising myself as a bounty hunter?"

_I was also right when I told you I was glad I didn't aim to kill him_ , the Wookiee responded. Leia sighed into her glass somberly. Conversation stalled, and eventually she clicked on the holofeed displaying galactic news.

They were immediately confronted with a rather surprising update.

"Today Allegiant General Enric Pryde announced the Final Order. Effective immediately, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren is deposed. He has been accused of treason and is believed dead. The true emperor, Palpatine, has revealed himself after several decades of hiding. All systems are advised to pledge their allegiance immediately or risk planetary demolition."

* * *

In the interrogation room, Rey lay sated and sweaty from round two, draped across the chest she'd dreamed of for so long. At some point, Kylo had divested himself of all his clothes. He hummed with contentment underneath her, stroking her back gently with one large hand while the other caressed her buttocks. Her sensitive internal muscles twitched involuntarily around his softening cock, but neither of them could be bothered to get up and clean themselves up.

"I'd rather like to continue this...interview...somewhere more comfortable. Like a bed," he rumbled, shifting stickily against the synthetic chair covering.

Rey twisted her head to look up at him, hair all over the place and a silly smile gracing her face. "Me too, but do you think we can agree on where? We could go to my room down the hall, if you don't mind staying with the Resistance. Or we could go on the Falcon, but I am _not_ going back to the First Order."

Kylo sighed. "Plus the problem of whoever is watching those cameras up there," he gestured with his chin. "Your allies might have a _lot_ of questions for us right now?"

Rey laughed. "Nah, it's just Poe. He probably enjoyed watching, plus he's been telling me to get laid for Force knows how long. And we can always mind trick them." Kylo frowned at the mention of Poe and gripped Rey closer to him.

Just then the blast door slid open, transforming what had been an unusually good day for Kylo Ren into the worst nightmare of a teenaged Ben Solo. Because of course, who would walk in on the afterglow of the greatest sexual experience of his life but his mom. And Chewbacca. Rey threw her arm out, calling "Randy's" shirt to her and draping it over her exposed buttocks for a modicum of privacy.

Kylo winced. He didn't even have the presence of mind to hurl the intruders down the hall with the Force before Rey caught on to the maelstrom of his emotion and started sending powerfully calming waves through their bond. In fact, it seemed she was almost paralyzing him. Luckily Chewie didn't seem like he was in attack mode; if anything, he looked amused, which didn't do much for Kylo's presence of mind but did deescalate the situation a bit.

"Apologies for the intrusion on this most unusual debriefing. Rey, generally that doesn't mean remove their briefs," Leia began peremptorily, earning a blush from the young Jedi. "I know this isn't the reunion any of us would have hoped for, but I have some dire news to share with both of you. Ben, I don't know what led you to come here as "Randy the Intern," but I'd ask that we maintain this truce or whatever it is while I share this news, and then you can decide whether to remain or to go your own way. No one outside this room knows who you are."

That introductory speech, while he wasn't sure if he should trust it, was certainly better than Kylo expected. It didn't solve the problem that he was butt naked in a room with his mom and Chewie. "Do you think we could have a moment to dress?" he cleared his throat.

"We don't really have a moment to spare, but sure. I'm going to start the holobroadcast that you need to see. We'll be back in three minutes and I expect you'll be dressed and we can discuss this." With that, Leia and the Wookiee left the room, the door sliding shut behind them. 

"Ok, boomer," Kylo called out as they left. He let out a great exhale, realizing only then just how tightly he had been clasping Rey to his chest. She smiled up at him weakly, but her attention was swiftly drawn away to the holo. "This is Allegiant General Enric Pryde," a pinched-looking uniformed figure announced. "Effective immediately, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren is deposed. He has been accused of treason and is believed dead. The true emperor, Palpatine, has revealed himself after several decades in hiding, and has declared the Final Order. All systems are advised to pledge their allegiance immediately or risk planetary demolition."

Eyes wide, she turned to stare at Kylo, who had managed to struggle back into his ugly tan pants after she rolled off of him. "FUCK!" he yelled. "FUCK FUCK FUCK!" His anger was not lessened when he realized he didn't have his lightsaber to smash everything to smithereens. He took a deep breath, running his hand through his hair.

With a wild glare he looked back at Rey. "Is this some kind of a trick? To keep me here?"

"I don't know what it is," she responded. "And I've never seen that bloke before. You know better than I if it's real. Reach out, I'm sure you'll sense something about what's going on."

He realized that Rey's advice was good. There was no point hiding his Force signature anymore, now that his mom obviously knew he was here. He reached out. There was definitely a disturbance, such as wouldn't be the case if the holo was a fraud manufactured just to deceive him. The whole galaxy was in some kind of an uproar.

He pulled his grey shirt back on just as his mother reentered the room. But before she could speak an alarm began to sound. "Perimeter breach!" it intoned. "Enemy vessel approaching."

Leia rolled her eyes and began hobbling back out of the room. Kylo shook his head, biting his lip before doing what obviously had to be done. He lifted the Resistance leader in his arms -- his mother was surprisingly tiny for someone who wielded so much power, but based on what he knew of old Master Yoda, he supposed it made as much sense as anything else did -- and strode confidently out of the bunker. Setting her down on her feet, he nodded at Rey, who had followed them, lightsaber at the ready.

In the distance, Kylo could see the two familiar ships touch down. His own shuttle was accompanied by the home away from home of the Knights of Ren. The ramp to the Knights' shuttle flew down with a hiss and a cloud of steam. 

Rey watched as the battery of imposing Knights strode down the ramp. They assembled silently in a threatening phalanx. To Rey's surprise, however, Kylo ignored the Knights in favor of addressing an unprepossessing man in a standard First Order Lieutenant's uniform. The man had dark hair combed to the side and probably normally was pale-complexioned, but at the moment his face was flushed like a lobster with a sunburn.

"Mitaka. What is the meaning of this? Anyone with common sense would know that "visit any planets you want" probably shouldn't include my list of top candidates for the Resistance base," the Supreme Leader drawled threateningly. 

Mitaka trembled in response. It was probably a Pavlovian response by this point. "Sir, General Hux led the Knights to doubt your safety. They were under the impression you may have been abducted by the Resistance."

"How does that interface with the treasonous broadcast by Pryde?" Kylo snarled.

"Sir, I didn't know what to make of that, but I agreed with your Knights' assessment of Hux and Pryde as, pardon my language, womp rat bastards, so we endeavored to locate you and put ourselves at your disposal," Mitaka's words tumbled out rapidly.

The two men were conferring just meters away from the pulsing hostility of the Knights of Ren, but a crowd of curious Resistance personnel had gradually assembled around them. Plainly, having a sense of self-preservation was not required in order to join the Resistance. Anyone in their right mind would have recognized the Knights of Ren, acknowledged that they showed deference to very few people, observed that they were showing deference to "Randy the Intern," put two and two together, and gotten the fuck away from the area. 

However, along with a lack of self-preservation, massive deference for and hero-worship of Leia Organa was also an endemic trait among Resistance members. Since she was standing near to the heated discussion and looked completely at ease, and had in fact been carried to the area by "Randy the Intern" without punching, kicking, or biting him, her followers were inclined to act calm and at ease as well. And try to get close enough to hear what the heck was going on.

Plus, behind Leia were Rey and Chewie, well known to be able to take on at least a dozen Knights of Ren each. The Resistance was feeling pretty good about whatever this was.

Color them surprised when Kylo Ren suddenly clenched his fists and sent out a massive burst of stunning Force energy. Leia, Rey, Chewie, and the Knights teetered, but stayed standing. Everyone else in the vicinity fell to the ground. 

"What was that?" shrieked Rey.

"Clearing air traffic control," muttered Kylo, offering her his hand. "Come on, let's get a move on. I've got the wayfinder on my shuttle that will lead us to the Emperor on Exegol. Once all these folks wake up I'm sure they can make themselves useful annoying the shit out of Hux, but I don't think they would let us steal the _Falcon_ and get out of here promptly."

Rey looked at him with narrowed eyes. "Next time give me some sort of warning that you're about to stun my friends?"

Chewie yowled too. _The_ Falcon _is way faster than your shuttle, kid_ , he said. _You know I'm right. Grab your wayfinder and let's go_. He stalked decisively toward the old freighter and disappeared up the ramp.

Kylo grimaced, but his mother caught his eye. "Chewie is right. Take the _Falcon_. I'll take care of your Lieutenant you knocked out, and we'll do our best to annoy Hux, as you put it. And Ben," she paused, a wistful smile passing across her face, "May the Force be with you."

Kylo could feel some wetness pricking at the corner of his eye, so he turned away from Leia, pulling Rey along quickly to the _Falcon_. His most competent Knight had already ducked into the shuttle and retrieved the Wayfinder, and the Knights were preparing their shuttle to track the _Falcon_. It would be a long and intense journey, but luckily Chewie could handle the controls. 

He and Rey had a date with a bed. It was going to be very important to make sure that they knew one another inside and out before they faced the evil Emperor in his lair.

Rey caught a trace of what he was thinking through the bond. When she smiled up at him, it was blinding.

Who knew that interning could be so rewarding?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was meant to be a crack vignette, not an epic, so I feel like it's done here. But if y'all are eager for Falcon sex or Kylo and Rey "Ok Boomer"-ing Palpatine, let me know, and if there's enough interest I will continue it!


End file.
